An Open Letter to Phil Collins

Dear Phil Collins,

GET BACK BEHIND THAT DRUM KIT. You heard me, get back behind that drum kit where you belong. Nobody is arguing the fact that you are an amazingly talented drummer. Granted, you're no Terry Bozzio or Neal Peart, but you do shine.

Before you took the mic, Genesis were mind-blowing pioneers of the most symphonic and experimental prog rock. Sure, they might have gotten the most of their run as relatively unknown cult sweethearts before you became frontman. And, okay, Genesis didn't have the popularity with Peter Gabriel on lead vocals that it had with you. But there are two reasons for that:

1. Complete removal of creativity and, ultimately, creative edge. Sizzle? Gone.
2. Selling out.

The 80s critically wounded several legitimate, talented musicians. Lionel Richie, Stevie Wonder, Eric Clapton... but you... YOU... you took a whole band down with you. Down into the sludge-laden mire of pith like I Can't Dance and Invisible Touch. And, good lawd, who could forget Don't Lose My Number? Listen up, Phil, only one band and one band alone can perform a song about someone losing someone's number and that is STEELY MUTHAF***ING DAN. Why Genesis? Why could you not have taken the high road and let Genesis burn out naturally, like a shooting star? Why could you not have just started a new band, called it Phil Collins and the Sweaty Hawaiian Shirt Smiley Lads or something? No jackets required!

Now, I know some will argue that you improved what was once merely a weird, arguably flailing, inaccessible, live performance-oriented band. To that I say: Give me The Lamb Lies Down on Broadway and Peter Gabriel in a huge daisy costume any day. The only good thing to come out of Peter Gabriel leaving Genesis was his solo recording Solsbury Hill, inspired by his departure from the band, and now included (for some unknown reason) on every movie trailer this side of Siam.

So, to sum up: Stick to the drums, Phil Collins. It's what you do, and believe me, you've done enough.

Most Sincerely,
Colette

P.S. I hate your stupid cockney accent.
P.P.S. I will admit that I do like Land of Confusion. And, okay, I like Abacab too. BUT THAT'S IT.


Phil Collins, showing little to no pride in himself. It's what he does.